The Art of Falling.
The sun rises. You hustle to the point where you are unable to feel your knees. Your knees are grieving and pleading for help. It's elasticity stretched to the limit of deformation. You still proceed to walk with such brisk and grace. You danced your way through your sorrows. Masking from the reality of the real world. What world? You've always felt as if you were fleeting on your own anyway. Even with the million and billion individuals surrounding your confinement, you are unable to embrace in the plurality. Instead, you choose to thrive in singularity.
Because it's more comfortable that way, right? You get lost in your translation, over and over again. In a loss for words, your fingers tremble as you hold on to a photograph of someone you love so deeply but never got to tell them. Your tone of voice suddenly lacks coherence and eloquence. Jittering, fraying and dissolving into pure nothingness. The sun falls. The string of tension between wanting to help yourself, and seeking for help propels front and back. Left and right. The cycle repeats.
Yesterday, I had the opportunity to watch T4YP (Theatre for Young People) in KLPAC. (Shoutout to my hunsbuns, Sabrina Qistina) This showcase was their mid-season show. And let me tell you, I was so impressed by the work of art executed by the youths in Malaysia. They shed light on the prominent issues faced by the youths today. Some of which includes gender issues, tackling the predicament of generalization in society today, how race divides and unites, and so much more. And it made me realize that if you add all of these collective obstacles faced by the individuals, it will lead you to one universal answer. The plight of mental health.
So many of us face the same communal issue, but the social stigma of mental illness continually makes us sicker. Social distancing has become so prevalent that we often forget the detrimental consequences latched on to the victim. This is why it is so difficult for people to open up and feel as if they have a safe space to express their angst embedded within their bodies.
I don't think it's fair for me to talk about mental health so freely when I have yet to open up about my very own. So here's what it is. To begin with, I am much much better now. I still have days where I feel lost, and helpless, with no shining light to guide me along the pathway. But thankfully, I am much better now.
Back then, I always validated my successes by merely comparing it to my friend's successes, my sister's successes, or a mere stranger's success. I never felt at ease with myself. People of my age were achieving beyond the boundary I knew. "I could only climb so high." murmurs myself. Every time I looked at my pile of certificates, I looked into the mirror and told myself, "Who cares about what you've accomplished? You're still trash, after all." I always felt like I needed someone to officiate whatever I was up to, or else it wasn't 'real.'
After the continual process of regularly having to snag certificates over certificates, having to prove my self-worth by the diction of another, I developed a new work ethic. I found myself hustling beyond school hours. I felt guilty when I was not working hard. I felt under the weather when I wasn't packing myself with projects over projects, events over events. I could not stay idle. I needed to be on my feet. When I wasn't, I would fall into a pool of anxiety because I wasn't pushing myself to achieve what feels like the unachievable. Through and through, I continued to compare, contrast. I was always in a battle with myself. I knew I was bound to crash. It was only a matter of time.
Through and through, I also dealt with issues regarding my physical appearance. Throughout high school, I dealt with pretty terrible acne issues. It got to the point where I avoided the mirror at all costs. While I saw my friends glancing straight into the mirrors, I found myself unable to do the same. I felt disgusting. I felt ultimately hideous. When my friends brought up issues pertaining physical appearances, all I could do was to shy away. I was afraid of humility.
I never felt good enough. I never felt like I was enough for anyone. Everything I did, I don't think I did it all for myself. I did it because I wanted to prove my worth, that I was capable of achieving something. Just one thing out of the millions.
I was so afraid of failing. I was so scared to be vulnerable. One day, I was scrolling through Youtube, and I found a video by Anna Akana. I believe that because of that video, I took a pivotal shift in my life.
"Being vulnerable is hard. Because it means having to open yourself up to being emotionally hurt. But who wants that to only be able to get smacked down? But being vulnerable today allows you to have the courage to be yourself in a world where we curate people's perceptions of us, where we equate our values to our likes and subscribers, and where we are raised to think that what's out here is more important than what's in here."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlOISYXSlVk&t=14s
Honestly, who cares about your certificates? Who cares about whether someone is more athletic than you are, smarter than you are, are bound to achieve greater things than yourself? Why do we feel the need to compare, contrast and hurt ourselves? Why do we feel scared to be vulnerable? Afraid to open up about the fact that we are suffering? Why do we have to conceal ourselves?
You are so much more than the number of corrections your English teacher scrabbles on your analysis of Romeo and Juliet, on your painting of Julius Ceaser that looked nothing like the latter, on how you thrive in the messy, unkempt bed of yours, and on how little you know of the world.
Start embracing the fact that we only know so much. The fact that we've explored only approximately 5% of the ocean, we have just discovered 10% of the living inhabitants on Earth, is the Earth round or flat? Is water wet? Whether the universe conspires to minimize the distance between us and our will-o'-the-wisp?
Let us thrive in our imperfections. Let us make a living due to our flaws. And let us be vulnerable.
Lots of love,
Sandra
Because it's more comfortable that way, right? You get lost in your translation, over and over again. In a loss for words, your fingers tremble as you hold on to a photograph of someone you love so deeply but never got to tell them. Your tone of voice suddenly lacks coherence and eloquence. Jittering, fraying and dissolving into pure nothingness. The sun falls. The string of tension between wanting to help yourself, and seeking for help propels front and back. Left and right. The cycle repeats.
Yesterday, I had the opportunity to watch T4YP (Theatre for Young People) in KLPAC. (Shoutout to my hunsbuns, Sabrina Qistina) This showcase was their mid-season show. And let me tell you, I was so impressed by the work of art executed by the youths in Malaysia. They shed light on the prominent issues faced by the youths today. Some of which includes gender issues, tackling the predicament of generalization in society today, how race divides and unites, and so much more. And it made me realize that if you add all of these collective obstacles faced by the individuals, it will lead you to one universal answer. The plight of mental health.
So many of us face the same communal issue, but the social stigma of mental illness continually makes us sicker. Social distancing has become so prevalent that we often forget the detrimental consequences latched on to the victim. This is why it is so difficult for people to open up and feel as if they have a safe space to express their angst embedded within their bodies.
I don't think it's fair for me to talk about mental health so freely when I have yet to open up about my very own. So here's what it is. To begin with, I am much much better now. I still have days where I feel lost, and helpless, with no shining light to guide me along the pathway. But thankfully, I am much better now.
Back then, I always validated my successes by merely comparing it to my friend's successes, my sister's successes, or a mere stranger's success. I never felt at ease with myself. People of my age were achieving beyond the boundary I knew. "I could only climb so high." murmurs myself. Every time I looked at my pile of certificates, I looked into the mirror and told myself, "Who cares about what you've accomplished? You're still trash, after all." I always felt like I needed someone to officiate whatever I was up to, or else it wasn't 'real.'
After the continual process of regularly having to snag certificates over certificates, having to prove my self-worth by the diction of another, I developed a new work ethic. I found myself hustling beyond school hours. I felt guilty when I was not working hard. I felt under the weather when I wasn't packing myself with projects over projects, events over events. I could not stay idle. I needed to be on my feet. When I wasn't, I would fall into a pool of anxiety because I wasn't pushing myself to achieve what feels like the unachievable. Through and through, I continued to compare, contrast. I was always in a battle with myself. I knew I was bound to crash. It was only a matter of time.
Through and through, I also dealt with issues regarding my physical appearance. Throughout high school, I dealt with pretty terrible acne issues. It got to the point where I avoided the mirror at all costs. While I saw my friends glancing straight into the mirrors, I found myself unable to do the same. I felt disgusting. I felt ultimately hideous. When my friends brought up issues pertaining physical appearances, all I could do was to shy away. I was afraid of humility.
I never felt good enough. I never felt like I was enough for anyone. Everything I did, I don't think I did it all for myself. I did it because I wanted to prove my worth, that I was capable of achieving something. Just one thing out of the millions.
I was so afraid of failing. I was so scared to be vulnerable. One day, I was scrolling through Youtube, and I found a video by Anna Akana. I believe that because of that video, I took a pivotal shift in my life.
"Being vulnerable is hard. Because it means having to open yourself up to being emotionally hurt. But who wants that to only be able to get smacked down? But being vulnerable today allows you to have the courage to be yourself in a world where we curate people's perceptions of us, where we equate our values to our likes and subscribers, and where we are raised to think that what's out here is more important than what's in here."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlOISYXSlVk&t=14s
Honestly, who cares about your certificates? Who cares about whether someone is more athletic than you are, smarter than you are, are bound to achieve greater things than yourself? Why do we feel the need to compare, contrast and hurt ourselves? Why do we feel scared to be vulnerable? Afraid to open up about the fact that we are suffering? Why do we have to conceal ourselves?
You are so much more than the number of corrections your English teacher scrabbles on your analysis of Romeo and Juliet, on your painting of Julius Ceaser that looked nothing like the latter, on how you thrive in the messy, unkempt bed of yours, and on how little you know of the world.
Start embracing the fact that we only know so much. The fact that we've explored only approximately 5% of the ocean, we have just discovered 10% of the living inhabitants on Earth, is the Earth round or flat? Is water wet? Whether the universe conspires to minimize the distance between us and our will-o'-the-wisp?
Let us thrive in our imperfections. Let us make a living due to our flaws. And let us be vulnerable.
Lots of love,
Sandra
Sending some love to you. <3
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